I just want a means of transport – I don’t want to join a club

As much as I love Ms Hoa I can’t help but feel she’s ultimately not really me.

She’s a little small for my lardy tay frame. But most of all its those go-faster stripes that really get me.

It’s not just Ms Hoa though – such stripes seem to endemic of all scooters. It’s as if the design team are an unsackable bunch of eighties boy racers.

Why can’t I just get a scooter in all-over matt black?

But what to switch to? While I’d love to go on a few spins into the nearby countryside, the whole Minsk thing doesn’t appeal. Sitting taller than locals in traffic while belching noxious fumes onto the old lady on a bicycle behind me – well it just doesn’t seem right.

Then there’s the Vespers. Undoubtedly cool but just a bit trying-too-hard, no?  They’re unreliable but also, as with the Minsks,  buying one would feel like joining a club when all I really want is transport.

Super Cub? I like ‘em. And if I was female and half my weight and size then I’d have already bought one.

So basically I think we can narrow it down to a scooter.  And yes, of course I want it to be cool – but quietly so.

Obviously anything without gears and with a footwell is just for girls.

That archetypal Vietnamese everyman workhorse bloke bike the Honda Dream?

Maybe.

But I’m still not convinced.