Vietnamese men need to be empowered too

Some posts/columns you live with for a while and others you write in five minutes.  This one has been knocking around my head for some time.  It was going to be a blog post, then I decided it worked best as a column for my regular Word Hanoi slot.  I wrote it with that in mind but, for whatever reason, it didn’t make the cut.

It’s written to provoke debate and is a little mischevious.  If I don’t 100% believe my own argument, I guess what I am trying to say is this – biggots and NGOs alike tend to gender stereotype. I don’t believe western stereotypes can even begin to explain roles here in Vietnam.  Neither east nor west is perfect we are just different and we have different ideas of what is right.

I am in awe of Vietnamese women but I also believe that if Vietnam is to change then both sides need to adapt.  What I don’t mention below is that I fear more for Vietnamese men.  Women seem to be far better at adapting to Vietnam’s fast pace of change. 

***

I’ve been threatening to write this for a while – even going so far as to test drive its arguments over drinks with friends.

So far it hasn’t gone down well.

So I’ll say it quickly then I’ll do what I can to justify it.  Hopefully we won’t be as far apart in our thoughts as you might imagine and yes it might appear to go against traditional thinking but here we go….

It’s men that need to be empowered in this country. Not women.

Yes, you will rightly point out that in 99% (made up but hopefully accurate figure) of key government and industry jobs men are at the helm.  No argument there.

And yes you can also tell me that Vietnamese men don’t have the best reputations – and I will gladly agree.  I briefly tried to outline my thoughts on this on Twitter and was told that women had better things to worry about than men – they were too busy keeping the house and family together while men were heavy drinking, gambling, chasing prostitutes etc.

Yes, yes, yes but…

This is my point.

It’s time that men didn’t have time for any of those negative activities.  The devil will find work for idle hands and all that.  But women need to change their attitudes too.

Sisters, give your man a broom and tell him this time it’s his turn to sweep up.  Stay with him, encourage him. Point out what he is doing wrong and what’s he doing right.

DO NOT stand over him tutting and shaking your head after 30 seconds before kicking him out the door to the local bia hoi and doing it yourself.

Now repeat that with a fair share of the cooking, cleaning etc.

Kicking that workload up the chain surely then results in those corporate high fliers suddenly having a load more daily tasks to get through.  Right, now we have an even playing field.

In Vietnam, women control the money which limits men’s freedom.  When I hit my teens my dad starting giving me pocket money.  A couple of year’s later he started paying it monthly reckoning that a larger sum would be a better test of my ability to manage cash. I think he was right.

Too many men here only manage their daily lunch money.  I’m one of them.  Once you get used to it it’s a luxury.  Your wallet magically fills itself almost daily and meanwhile I never give rent or bills a thought.

And yet it’s making parts of my brain as flabby as the rest of me.

My office is dominated by women.  Genuinely the smartest, most hardworking, friendly, kind, intelligent people I have ever met. I leave work worn out in the evenings aware, from conversations, that the rest of their day will be taken up not only by domestic chores but also tutoring kids, attending gyms, studying for further qualifications etc.

Perhaps Vietnamese women are just too incredible.  They need to shrink in order for Vietnamese men to grow.  They need to raise their expectations of their other halves. More pats on the backs and a lot less tuts.

Can’t we raise our expectations rather than letting men become a self fulfilling prophecy of uselessness? While we’re at it we should also remember that the cliche is far from representative of all men.

I don’t believe Vietnamese women are not empowered enough to put their foot down regarding a few chores. Vietnamese women are fearless. Following this line of thought, the problem must lie instead in their lack of belief in their men.  Men can’t do anything because they’ve never been allowed to. How could they help when they’re only men?

Of course men should be encouraged to do more – but more importantly they need to be *allowed* to do more.

Women, empower your man.

Men, trust me, this works out better for all of us