The Eldest Son
Posted: November 2, 2012 Filed under: family, Reflections | Tags: equality, family, men, sons, vietnam, women 5 Comments »I’ve become fascinated by the role of the eldest son in Vietnam. Not just what is expected of him but also how it colours all family life.
Because the eldest son will one day keep the parents – so, from a very early age, the parents are a little scared of their own boy. Above all else the parents cannot afford to upset the eldest son and the son surely understands this.
In arguments with siblings the eldest son is most likely to backed. Request for possessions or preferential treatment are investments parents expect to see a return on.
You cannot afford to risk your relationship with your son.
A daughter will leave – perhaps marrying an eldest son herself. Then she will be part of the payback of another parental investment – expected not just to cook and clean for her husband and parents but also, frequently, any yet-to-leave sisters too. In this instance, it’s the mother-in-law that’s frequently the enforcer – safeguarding the payback while keeping her son onside by controlling his wife.
The question is: how do you begin to gain equality for women when parents can’t afford not to put their sons first?
And when and how will this change?
That may be changing as there is often conflict between the daughter in law and son’s mother. It may be soon that the parent’s will choose to live with their daughthers instead.
fyi – This is not necessarily true for Vietnamese families outside of Vietnam. I don’t know if it’s western influence or just a one-off example but that is not the case with my girlfriend’s family. Although they are now US citizens, I know they still consider themselves Vietnamese first, American second. It would be inappropriate for me to elaborate on their private affairs.
Not really the case in my family either. My husband is an eldest (and only son), and while he does feel pressure to care for his mother and help her, she lives on her own, neighbor to her daughter and family. This is mainly because I need to work in the city and she understands cultural differences. She assumes that I do not want to live with her, which is not entirely off base, but I don’t want to live with my own parents either. But as far as our relationship, my husband often jokes that she cares more about me than him. She often helps me with housework and actually does more than me- usually because if we’re together, I’m working and she watches my daughter, so then when I come home, she wants to give me a break and allow me to spend time with my baby girl.
I realize this is a strange situation, but I am just thankful we don’t have a very traditional relationship. I suppose if I were a Vietnamese woman, I would want to marry a younger son.
Thanks all – interesting cross section there. I think they’re a reflection of how old traditions are slowly changing albeit probably all of our experiences are skewed by a more international influence and perspective. I wince at some of the tales of mothers in law here.
I tell my wife we’ll get the worst of both worlds – we’ll spend all our money on our kids and they won’t feel obliged to give it back when we’re old!
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