This isn’t tolerance, it’s denial
Posted: September 11, 2012 Filed under: change, Reflections | Tags: culture 6 Comments »This weekend we’d done that thing when you think you’ve discovered a Hanoi getaway only to realise you don’t escape from seven million people without a fair chunk of them following you.
So come Sunday morning breakfast at this exclusive retreat and it’s bedlam. Toddlers kicking off everywhere. Kids using us as shields for their games of cops and robbers. Little fingers in the jam. One mum trying to comfort a crying kid, sits down on the floor literally next to our table – makes very loud coochi coo noises, starts spooning baby food into the child’s mouth before giving her a breadroll to kick around the floor to amuse her.
Now, parenting isn’t easy and for that they have my sympathy but when parents are chatting while their kids are screaming at us and shouting BANG! in our ears then I am allowed to turn around and catch their eyes and give them my best – please can you sort this out look. Not angry, just not amused.
But my wife is mortified. By me.
She gives me the look I get when I lose it in traffic.
Don’t show your emotions.
If I get angry at teenage boy racers I get: Ignore them - they could have a knife, you read about it in the papers all the time.
When there’s noise in the neighbourhood people just tend to keep their head down and ignore it. We could all pretend that we don’t actually notice it, except all that’s happening is tempers are bubbling below the surface. Roughly once a year it all kicks off and there’s shouting, screaming and throwing things.
Yesterday I was on a domestic flight within China. When the captain announced we’d be stuck on the tarmac for the best part of two hours there was genuine anger and indignation. In Vietnam there would have just been quiet disappointment, perhaps even embarrassed laughter.
Those noisy diners in five star hotels (okay so we got a freeby) behave inconsiderately because they’ve paid for it so their family can behave how they like – just like they’ve paid for that breadroll that the kid is kicking around the floor. The guy in the SUV can run you off the road because it’s his car and it’s expensive and bigger, faster and more powerful than your motorbike. The noisy neighbour owns his plot of land and so he can make as much noise as he pleases just so long as he’s on his own plot.
His builders could knock the place down and start rebuilding it at 6am on Sunday morning. If he wants to.
And we keep our heads down and we don’t complain. Effectively we give permission.
Recent events suggest Vietnam doesn’t like whistleblowers. It’s hard to know whether this dislike of complaining came as a result of living with hardship or something people have learnt as survival technique beyond day-to-day living.
But without complaints, improvements are less likely. Without highlighting problems, solutions don’t arise. Bullies will always win if unopposed.
I noticed a while ago u saying something about endangered animals being sold and u blew the whistle. Do they have a different attitude to animals or were u frowned upon for doing that?
Is it that the V have been repressed and the ones with money (new money?) also have the power so the ‘underdogs’are frightened the bullies will seek them out and try to damage their eg livelihood?
It sounds like a nightmare. I totally agree. If you don’t stand up for yourself people assume u don’t care and run roughshod all over u.
Totally agree with your comments. I become embarrassed at the waste I see at buffets and the direspect for food and property.
Interesting though- my husband is Vietnamese and he will yell at someone when they are being irresponsible in the road. It makes me anxious (maybe I am more like your wife even though I am western), but I am surprised by how many people look chagrined and get then drive properly. Maybe more people need to be taking a civil stance?
The next time wife scolds you about someone possibly having a knife, remind her that they shouldn’t have brought a knife to a gunfight.
What I don’t understand is the rules that govern whether and what people say. There’s a culture of not showing emotion or duress in distressing situations or laughing it off.
Yet there’s also a very in your face way of saying nasty things that I would never fathom uttering to another human being unless I loathe them. What’s the logic?
I was speaking to a Hanoi U professor and he said that culturally, VNese don’t care about truth when they speak, they are more concerned about how their words will affect you. So is there a guide for this ish?
I’ve noticed that some of the most appalling behavior is by the “nouveau riche” of Vietnam. That is, people who 10 or 15 years ago had nothing but now have money. It’s epitomized by the fat five-year-old boy that parents let run amok.
I have a couple theories to explain this:
– Asian hierarchical custom. People who are “higher” on the socio-economic ladder feel entitled to treat their “lessers” like crap. I’m sometimes amazed at the appalling behavior people tolerate from those who are “higher” than they are.
– A mafia-like political system. There are no real laws in Vietnam, only power. Those who have it lord it over others. The attitude spills into general society.
– “Don’t make waves” social conditioning. Asian society often values harmony over fairness. This benefits the ruling class by helping to keep them in power.
Just my $.02.
Sorry – didn’t reply to any of these. Better late than never.
Vicky, see Chris’s comment above this – I reckon he’s has it spot on. Money is power and those who didn’t have it are going to enjoy it. It’s not dissimilar to newly rich Russians coming to Vietnam – perhaps it takes a generation to stop riding roughshod.
Cafephin – yes there are certain home truths than VNs will tell you that westerners won’t but I don’t think that it crosses minds that it might be hurtful. If it did they’d keep it to themselves I’m sure. But don’t make waves is a common consensus. Also while there are plenty of those who will flaunt their wealth it’s equally Vietnamese, as far as I can see, to hide it. Partly out of culture but also out of fear that someone will take it. Perhaps that’s old money.