Her Mother’s. Come hell or high water
A while ago, when my wife rang from work to suggest we spend Saturday night visiting her parents, I stupidly, didn’t concur.
“Awwwww,” I said. “Not Saturday night. I haven’t been out in weeks and I was thinking about going out for a drink with friends.”
That was all I said. When I heard the response it provoked I backtracked furiously but it was too late.
The fall-out lasted for days.
At that point we weren’t married and although my parents’ plane tickets were booked and deposits were paid on reception venues, everything was to be cancelled.
The wedding was off.
Later, once I had worked really hard to make it all okay again, I talked about it with a fellow Englishman. He is also married to a Vietnamese woman.
I remember a character in Friends being told there are certain questions which a woman asks where answers are not only set in stone, the immediacy of the response is also important.
“Does this make me look fat?”
“No.”
No look up and down, no consideration, no pause for thought.
My friend told me that when your Vietnamese wife says she wants to visit her family, you reply immediately:
“I’ll start the bike”
On Sunday we were due a visit. Literally as we set off it started to spit with rain. Within two minutes it was wet enough for us to pull over and put on macs.
By the time we had crossed Westlake it was getting heavy. I took my life, and marriage in my hands and suggested that perhaps crossing town to visit her Mother during such extreme weather wasn’t worth the risk.
By this time lightning was flashing. Her parents live at the top of a mud road that’s horrific after rain.
The suggestion, however, that I was being deterred by the elements did not go down well. A roadside heated debated lead to her saying I should return, if I really wanted to, and she would soldier on alone.
That was obviously a non-starter, so I suggested we could wait it out in a coffee shop. Even that delay took some convincing.
In the end the rain slowed and we made it to her family. Two thirds of the way there the sun came out and we dispensed with our motorbike mac for two.
Maybe marriage is about picking your battles. This is one area, which I now know to be non-negotiable.
The strength, hierarchy and duties that bind a Vietnamese family are as solid as they are fascinating.
Truth be told I am happy and very proud to be part of her Vietnamese family.
I’m new at this game but hopefully I’m learning fast.
A very timely post, ourman.
I am most curious about something. I assume your fiancee is putting as much effort into understanding and adapting to your western ways as you are putting into hers? Would you be able to post some thoughts on that side of things, as it would add some perspective for Vietnamese readers who may be thinking that the westerner should do all the assimilation.
Stephen, My wife is very westernised in so many ways. As in any marriage we both have our good points and bad. I am not about to blog about who is right or wrong.
I write this post more as a way of documenting just how important family is here.
Possibly the single difference between being married and not being married is that arguments have no conclusion and no one wins. Instead we just try and find a compromise so we’re both smiling again. In the end if something is important to either of us then the other respects it.
In the end though I am in Vietnam. I have to make that cultural shift.
I only write about my marriage/relationship here as a way of highlighting cultural norms here – not as an expose on my life.
Also anything written here that references is also checked with my wife first. I don’t have rows and then rush back to tell all about it on my blog.
Ha ha! Welcome to married life. We recently got invited to a friend of O’s wedding who I have never met. Didn’t go down too well when I pointed out that it clashed with Man Utd v Liverpool and perhaps she would like to go to wedding on her own. Luckily for me SKY have intervened and the match has been moved to the Sunday.
Thanks Steve
That she is already westernized is obviously a big plus, but clearly there are still areas where any western man must learn a new way of doing things. I just don’t want to learn that the only way is the Vietnamese way. That would be quite dispiriting. Compromise is obviously the best solution in any marriage, cross-cultural or not. The challenge for a westerner, as I see it, is recognizing whether his partner is also engaging in compromise, or more importantly, reverse cultural understanding.
Regarding your comment, “In the end though I am in Vietnam. I have to make that cultural shift”, I agree that this is necessary to survive happily in Vietnam. Where maybe I differ a little is that I believe a relationship is between two humans, not two cultures. So that means both parties need to meet as close to the middle as possible. Sometimes I wonder if we, as westerners, are given every chance to do that.
Thanks for your continued thoughts on the subject of relationships here, and a special thanks to your wife for allowing you to share your thoughts. They are a very valuable insight to others seeking to follow your path.
Dames, now that the footie starts again there will inevitably be clashes. Although it’s normally quite late at night here due to the time difference.
Stephen I think compromise is always the key, the only difference being is that between two cultures what we think of as normal, even rational at times, is very different.
Like I said, it’s just about making each other happy. No more than that.
Nice insight – Sounds like any interchage anywhere in the world between – “men and women”.
Generally differences unite, but indifferences destroy!
May I suggest…
“Sweetheart, dearest, I need you to help me understand why this visit to your family cannot wait for the rain to subside. I think the visit would be much more pleasant if we arrived both safely and dry.”
It voices your concerns, allows you to admit that you don’t know why you must go this very instant, yet does not imply that you object to going altogether.