Reflections on reactions to an Asian bride
* Although the post below was written in about an hour this morning it’s fair to say it’s the culmination of a lot of thought on the subject. Finally I also asked Loan to read it. I wouldn’t have posted it if she hadn’t been comfortable with every word.
***
I’m just back from Thailand and like most people who visit it was hard not to be repulsed by the sight of older western men with young Asian girls.
Of course, this time my thoughts on the matter were influenced by the fact that I too was with an Asian woman. There’s a mere six years between us but I still wondered how other people judged us.
Certainly I can think back to my very early days in Vietnam when I struggled with the whole concept of Western/Asian marriages. It’s now hard for me to remember why. Undoubtedly I had my own prejudices. But how valid were they?
I think there remains a perception that the foreign bride is a make-do. A catalogue order. Or perhaps a better fit for men who’d like to continue to behave badly without having to apologise. I’ve heard the phrase “losers back home” applied to expats generally but especially those married to local women.
Getting married at 39 I suppose, being brutally honest, I could fit into the “making do” category. Although it doesn’t feel like it. When I decided to return to Vietnam there was no plan for marriage. I always maintained you couldn’t plan for such eventualities. At the time getting back to Hanoi was the only thought in my mind.
Is my “Asian bride” a better fit for me? Well yes, of course she is. I wouldn’t have married her otherwise. But, that doesn’t mean that any Asian woman would have been. I met someone and fell in love. Their ethnicity has nothing to do with it.
We clicked. Hearts, flowers, the world seemed wonderful and we couldn’t stop smiling.
Beyond romance, we worked well together. We are a good team. Isn’t that how it is supposed to feel when you meet “the one” regardless of where they are from?
“You’ll just know.”
I did.
About the time we first got together I read this article. A man travelling in Asia with his Asian wife. He is really uptight about pointing out she is US born.
He writes:
There is a lot of subtext crammed into the nine-word question “Where in the Orient did you meet your wife?” even when you exclude the geographical relic of the term “the Orient.” As I explained that even though Aileen’s parents are from Taiwan, she has lived in New York City all her life and that, subtextually, I didn’t rescue her from a pimp in Shanghai, the light in his eyes dimmed. After I finished he sat for a moment, staring at the waves, and then looked up and said, “Huh. Well isn’t that nice.”
That writer, throughout the article seems desperate to distance himself from other Western and Asian couples. I can empathise. But can it be excused?
I’ve suffered similar paranoia. My wife dresses fairly conservatively but on a hot day when we’ve gone for bun cha in the neighbourhood, the little shorts have come out. In the past I’ve been very sensitive about that. I didn’t want her to wear revealing clothes because I didn’t want to look like the kind of guy who would be attracted to a Vietnamese woman because of the way she dresses.
How do you tell a woman that she should cover up, even in her own country where she knows perfectly well what is acceptable?
Truth is you can’t. And you don’t. And you shouldn’t.
I apologised.
But the foreign wife is not often portrayed well. Especially the Asian wife.
The Vietnamese female as “me love you long time” prostitute remains a widespread cliché. I’ve read backpacker blogs detailing the many many prostitutes in Hanoi. It took me a while to realise that for the most part they were just seeing what they expected to.
Any young woman was a possibly a prostitute in their eyes.
It’s hard to feel any kind of kinship with the very old man with the very young Thai girl I saw on Bangkok’s Skytrain last week. It didn’t look good even before you took into account a ludicrous toupee.
So here I could poke fun at him and list the many many ways in which we are different. But I won’t.
Because perhaps we are all on a sliding scale of acceptability.
And it’s not just men. Spend any time in Africa and you won’t have to look too far for older (often larger) white women, with very young, attractive African men friends. Sometimes more than one.
Is an older white woman with a young African man more acceptable? What about if it’s an older white man with a young African bride? Ask yourself why any of these scenarios should be deemed more acceptable than any other.
It confuses the liberal-minded. For: same-sex marriages. For: mixed race marriages. But against marriages of differing backgrounds, age or means?
Marriages. Good marriages. They work on a whole host of levels. In Cameroon I talked long into the night with my boss and he said what “whiteman” didn’t understand was their love came from being made to feel safe and looked after and not from simply looks alone.
And the more I think about it, the western concept of love at first sight (lust at first sight?) is flawed. Simply liking the look of a person is deemed reason enough to fall in love. Yet taking into account all those other qualities it takes to build a relationship can be deemed as suspiciously calculating.
Alongside our love I believe there is also a healthy amount of pragmatism in our relationship and that’s something I’m very happy about.
And I can write of the many ways that a relationship with an Asian woman is different except that – any relationship with any woman is different.
I didn’t marry a region, a country or a city. I married a person.
If other people want to jump to conclusions about why I did that then it’s best just to let them.
Me? I’ve got to be the opposite of the journalist quoted above. I have to realise that I don’t have to explain or justify anything.
I never expected to marry a local woman.
But then again – I also never expected to be this happy.
From the heart – with truth and compassion and of course brimming over with love.
However the fears that we express are the fears that we our self feel – not the ones that others do – in reality because we do not really know others – we just know our self.
The mind can act like a flickering light turning on our own prejudice’s and turning off again when we direct inward then outward looking for our source of strength.
Congratulations – The rest is up to the both of you!
p.s – Fabulous photo’s
Jeremy,
I’m very much aware that what I am writing about are essentially my own prejudices. Most of them now gone but they still linger in the back of my head.
No doubts or concerns just, as ever, typing my thoughts in order to make sense of them.
Hi Steve,
I’ve been a big fan of yours for a while, as you know. You and Loan look very beautiful and happy together, and that’s all that matters. I met the love of my life in Bangkok, and he’s Irish/Canadian! Based on the horror stories that foreign women living in Thailand told me about being ignored by men, I thought I would never find a date, let alone my future husband! So, you just never know. All the best to you both, and congrats on your wedding. Brian and I are toying around with the idea of getting hitched in Ha Noi, so consider this an invitation!
Preya
Good piece, Steve. And great photos, by the way.
I like this post- something I’ve always been curious about. There is a difference though- in my opinion- that really does draw a very distinct line. Often when I see these ‘Older White Guy/Young Asian Woman’ couples, they don’t look happy; mostly the woman doesn’t, actually. Often she has a resigned or blank look and the guy (I’m generalizing) is kind of creepy. That’s what makes it stick out so much for me.
You and Loan just look like a reeeeeeaaaaallly happy couple
I think that’s the first thing most people notice. I have friends in relationships with partners not the same ethnicity and it’s the same thing.
Great piece Steve, from the heart. A man not afraid to voice his feelings to the world…. Great photo’s too!
Preyanka – glad to hear you’re still alive…not sure if you noticed but your disappearance from the blogging scene was recently mentioned in the Sticky Rice blog. Glad to hear you going quiet is for all the right reasons. Thanks for the wedding invite. You are also invited if you’re in Hanoi on October 30th.
Matt – thanks.
Kerryanne – I think there is a difference but the last thing I wanted to do was to write something that said…they’re wrong and I am right …or count the ways that I am not like them.
Strangely when we see such couples, Loan is far less judgmental about them than I am. She tends to say…no one forced her.
Something I toyed with the idea of mentioning is a recent thought I had that we tend to look at these people and blame the guy’s midlife crisis. My thought was that alcohol plays a key role.
If you are the kind of guy who will drink yourself into a stupor every night in a Thai bar then perhaps a Thai bar girl is the only girl for you. Who else is going to stand for that kind of behaviour.
But, in general, with the above I didn’t want to “protest too much”. Better to say “this is us” and “take it or leave it” then start drawing up parameters of who we are and why we should be considered more acceptable than other couples.
I also think that the pragmatic thing is important.
Louise, glad you enjoyed it. It was a relief to finally write it. It’s been knocking around my head for waaay too long.
What a wonderful article, and very timely. I would love to be able to talk with you in depth about a lot more on this topic. Are you planning on coming to Saigon in the near future?
Thanks.
hrdrck – no plans to head south for a while but I’d love to.
It’d be nice to do some work down there in the not too distant future.
Well you know how I met my wife. At first lots of raised eyebrows, now it is rarely ever mentioned, except when I want to mildly shock people I am meeting for the first time.
My old man is married to a Nigerian 25 years (at least) his junior. Imagine the looks they get in suburban south Manchester, hardly anything.
I suppose what I am saying is the main thing is you are both happy.
Thanks for this article. I recently returned to Vietnam to pursue a relationship with a local woman that I met while travelling here two years ago. I’m 30, she’s 24. Three months in and everything is going well.
When I first arrived, I was very sensitive about this very issue. I also found myself judging foreign men and local women (mostly the men) in exactly the way that I dreaded others to be judging me and my partner.
My partner has done a good job of helping get over it, and now in many cases I’ve gone from thinking “that’s creepy” to “they look happy”. Not in all cases, of course, because stereotypes exist for good reason and I have seen plenty of sterotypical behaviour.
I beleive that awareness is half the battle, and in your case the battle seems to be won. More than I trust myself not to become “that guy”, I trust my partner not to put up with any crap.
All the best to you both.
I look at your pictures and see two people in love…..be it young or old, Asian or Westerner…..life is short, be happy!
Dames – yup, it’s all about the happiness. I promised her Dad I’d make her happy.
M – funny the not being “that guy” thing. When we first got together I briefly considered a new healthy regime so I wouldn’t look like “that guy”. Shamefully it didn’t last long.
It does seem like we have both been through similar thoughts on this matter.
Drifter – thanks – we’ve still known each other less than a year but the change has been remarkable.
My (white) husband is slightly younger than me, but is convinced that he’s aging more quickly.
However, he’s quite looking forward to people accusing me of being an Asian mail-order bride.
But then he’s weird.
Just enjoy and be grateful for a great relationship and partnership. None of the rest of it matters a jot.
Oh: PS – Congratulations! And great pics…
Meemalee, Loan likes to complain about foreigners in general. Not entirely sure why she married one.
Weird also, I guess.
UPDATE: Loan just read that and now maintains that she doesn’t complain about all foreigners – just me. Apparently.
Richard S – I actually think that whoever you marry you’re only grown up enough to do so when you’re mature enough to not give a stuff about what anyone else thinks in general.
Thanks for the comment and glad you liked the pics.
Thank you so much for such an honest and open piece.
Congratulation on your marriage. I haven’t had a chance to read your blog in a while, but I’ve enjoyed reading since your first time in Vietnam.
In 2004, I visited Vietnam with my father and at a dress shop in Hue, the seamstress asked if he was my ‘sugar daddy’. Then I remembered one morning in Hanoi, waiting for my ride to Halong Bay, I saw many young Vietnamese girls in their ‘ao dai’ escorting older caucasian men into hotels. I was not offended as my brother already had several money-exchanged-marriage-proposals!
It was just another experience in Vietnam. I didn’t change the wonderful trip I had with my father.